The Fire Within

Hi, friends:

Greetings from New York! I was living here prior to COVID and didn’t know just how long I’d be gone for, so I kept my room here in Brooklyn. I’m finally back to say goodbye, lease out my room and gather my things. It’s bittersweet.

As some of you know, I spent the majority of quarantine in Utah, where I was welcomed by bountiful nature, a quietness, a home. I instantly felt how much I needed that type of peace and it was hard to ignore that New York no longer felt right.

Though my initial plans of staying in Salt Lake fell through, it opened up the opportunity to dust off dreams of long-term travel and execute this new life path as soon as possible

(& whenever the world allows).

If anything, COVID and the uncertainties it came with inspired me to lean towards bold choices. It made me long for many freedoms, including travel abroad. I don’t ever want to take that for granted again or miss another window of opportunity.

It’s not always easy to shift my direction based on feelings—these intuitions I receive like little nudges from my soul. But I try to obey, because by now I know the cost of not doing so is my happiness.

Sometimes I trip up and doubt myself. Specially when people I love question my path. Or when the journey is not easy to traverse. Recently, dealing with the logistics of renting out my room in New York has been stressful.

That, on top of the intensity of the world—plus the losses and redirections I’ve experienced in the last few months—have all left me feeling defeated from time to time.

I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve drank.

But this fire inside me burns.

There is something it yearns for. Always curious to see what’s around the bend, how the story unfolds, what miracles might arise. As much as we may sometimes think we’re afraid of the unknown, we keep walking right into it.

Even if the world turns on its head again tomorrow, and my plans no longer align with the Gods—I can’t imagine anything short of continuing to strive for happiness. Continuing to create, pray, and even laugh.

On the worst days, when I’m afraid of becoming attached to my dreams of the future, that is the simple hope that keeps the fire alive.

And on better days, when I’m able to find refuge in the present, and embrace simple joys and gifts—like bathing under the long awaited sunshine—I dream.

I manifest.

I visualize my feet in moistened sand, legs enveloped by warm water coming to and from shore. Laughing with strangers who are now friends. Planning adventures on a whim. All the things I love about travel.

Just up ahead. I trust in the timing of things. The embers inside release into the wind.

Love,

Gabriela

The Year of Door Closures

At first glance, 2020 has been the year of door closures. But you know what they say, “another opens.”

Plans and ideas of what life would look like have continually changed, some becoming completely irrelevant by now.

My friend Anna and I took a trip to southern Utah a few days ago to visit some parks. Finding ourselves both jobless and fed up with life indoors, we planned the trip out in a matter of days and quickly executed. It was something that wouldn’t have otherwise gone down with such haste.

Hiking and surrounded by the dramatic landscapes of earth-red cliffs at Zion Park, I asked her, “What would your life look like right now if COVID had never happened?”

I pondered the same. I would be in New York, at the same job, grinding, and probably still in my long-distance relationship. Maybe I would’ve stayed in New York for years to come. Or maybe I would’ve eventually moved back to Utah to be with my boyfriend. It was a decision I was always mulling over in the back of my mind. So much so that my existence in New York often felt threatened by a potential move. New York or Utah? I lived between two worlds.

Then COVID happened and I was laid-off overnight. This was my chance to leap into the other path — back to Utah where my partner patiently awaited me. “It’s like the world is bringing you back to me,” he said, after I excitedly told him I was returning for an undetermined amount of time. It was romantic, and finally, that nagging question of where I should live seemed to find an answer.

“I have a feeling my life is about to really change,” I predicted to my friend Jess as I packed a suitcase. It just felt so obvious at the time. Being back in Utah would bring my partner and I closer together, and I wouldn’t want to leave again. I was being led to build a permanent life out west. This was the easy path. So I thought.

Rewind to a couple weeks earlier.

I’m sitting at McCarren Park in Greenpoint after work, basking in the much-needed sunshine after a long New York winter. I’m talking to Jess on the phone and contemplating whether I should fully commit to the city or move back to Salt Lake to basically settle down and start a family. It was all being offered to me if I just returned. But New York was my dream, the place I’d longed to be in since I was a kid. And finally, I was there, in a job that I liked, finding my footing in that crazy city. “Salt Lake would be the easy choice,” I told her. “But I’m not usually an easy choice type of person.”

Maybe there never is an easy choice. Maybe each choice comes with as many blessings as it does predicaments. Maybe you think you’re choosing the easy path but really by doing so you create the pain of denying your potential. Or perhaps, all paths — temporary and shifting, eventually lead towards a deeper knowing of yourself and of life.

When I lost my job and decided to fly back to Salt Lake, I thought the universe was kindly throwing me a bone and letting me take the easy route — giving me a break from the incessant striving towards my full potential, the embodiment of New York.

Nah. It was yet another opportunity to grow. Salt Lake was not easy. COVID has not been easy. But it forced me to look at unhealed parts of myself and to bring tenderness to them. So in that respect, life was loving to me.

My relationship did not make it, and that felt like a door closing. A path no longer available.

I arrived back in the Bay Area yesterday — back at my mom’s, a square one that was always waiting for me.

Amidst all the fall outs, I can’t help but to come up with another plan, another idea of what life could be. Each redirection feels permanent as it happens, but I should know by now they never are.

This time the plan is so vague maybe it can’t really be called a plan. A hope, a desire that burns deep within my chest. The taste of freedom. Sun-drenched skin and sea-washed hair. Words and creativity.

Ties to places have come undone. The open road emerges past closed doors.

She cannot be contained.

xxGabriela

Feeling a Shift

Hi, friends:

It’s been a little while. I’ve been avoiding writing, even though it repeatedly makes its way to my to-do list. Sometimes in the midst of emotional turmoil, it’s difficult to find the clarity to express an experience to somebody else.

I’ve been leaning on my journaling practice, a private world of messy randomness. Thoughts hopping from one thing to the next. Doodling has been much the same. It feels like uncoiling the mind and creating physical representations of the things that lurk inside. Sometimes you need that. To create things that don’t necessarily make sense — to be unpolished, at least with yourself.

But today I awoke with a new resolve. I am ready to get to work again.

It’s been a long two months. Two months of deep internal work, two months of letting myself be, of restlessness; days with no agenda except to go on my daily walk. Two months free from external pressures to do or be anything on a particular timeline. It was needed, as difficult as it was sometimes.

But now the time is ripe to start building again. Amongst my recent explorations, I tried hypnotherapy the other day. Before beginning the hypnotherapist asked me about the north node in my astrological chart, which falls under the sign of Capricorn. The north node is an indicator of your life’s path and what you are meant to work on in this lifetime. (You can get your chart here if you’re curious. There’s so much more to astrology than your sun sign!)

The sign of Capricorn concerns itself with material resources, organization, and essentially, becoming a boss. My challenge in this life is to work with those energies to attain what it is I want. For me that means finding a balance between the free-spirited side of me that just wants to flow and do things out of inspiration — with focus, pragmatism, and structure. #thestruggle

I’m happy to report that I’m feeling the drive to strive again, though. Inspired once more to start chipping away at my dreams, little by little.

I am feeling the angst for all of this to be over, as I’m sure you all are, too. I’m dreaming about travel, dreaming about friends, dreaming about the general qualities I’d like my life to have moving forward. And it feels good to be in the hopefulness of it. If anything, this time motivated me to not take freedom for granted again. There are so many things I put on the back burner that I said I would do. It’s time to pull out the bucket list once more.

Love,

Gabriela

Some Inspo

If you’re ready, it’s time for some energy shifts! I have a feeling we’ve all experienced discomfort and growth throughout this period, and that it may be time to integrate what we’ve learned, and move into a lighter, more joyous way of being.

Affirm with me:

I am ready to invite more joy, laughter, love, and friendship into my life. I am ready to bask in the sunshine, fill my heart with gratitude and experience new, wonderful things.

Thinking of you!

It’s a Privilege to be Lost

Ah, it’s good to be able to enjoy a Sunday morning/early afternoon. I have some time today before I head to Puerto Rico for work and am feeling a wave of gratitude after a tough period. I just transitioned to a new living space in New York — in Bushwick, Brooklyn to be exact. I finally have my own room and that means the world to me.

I was nervous about stepping up my living space from a “crashpad,” in Queens where flight attendants share rooms and sleep in bunk beds, to renting out my own room. The price difference was big, and I’m farther away from the airport now, but I finally feel like I’m home. Like I actually live here now.

I talked about the concept of home before, and how to me, home is truly a state of mind, but there are things that make us feel more at peace. For me that’s having the privacy and space for my morning rituals, some walls to decorate, and a place to keep my things so I’m not constantly living out of a suitcase.

Overall, I’m feeling extremely blessed, and remembering what it’s like to be in a state of gratitude. Like I mentioned, I’m coming off of a trying period. I felt lost in different areas of my life, not knowing where I was headed, and sensing that things were sorta falling apart.

It was truly a time to practice surrender. I prayed, asked for direction, and observed what I could and couldn’t control. Whatever I couldn’t control, I handed over to God, and trusted that I would be led to the answers or wherever it was I needed to go.

At the height of this confusion, a friend reminded me that “it’s a privilege to be lost.” Being lost connotes having options and a variety of roads to take. It’s an opportunity to explore those options and to say goodbye to the ones that no longer work. Though it can sometimes feel like we’re being suspended in the air, it’s simply an indication to realign and redirect.

What tends to help is: getting clear about what areas in your life are demanding change, identifying where you can take action and where you currently can’t, and praying on and surrendering what is out of your control.

If you aren’t comfortable with the concept of God, you can ask your higher-self for guidance. That wise part of you that knows what your heart longs, that loves you unconditionally, and is always rooting for you. Then, you let go and do your best to take care of yourself, love yourself, and focus on the things you know bring you joy.

I shied away from writing earlier this week, feeling as though my confusion had nothing to share. And that’s okay — I needed a break to reconnect with myself.

Anyways, just want to let you know that if you too have moments of being lost, you’re not alone ❤ I hope this newsletter can bring you some ease in those muddled moments.