The Fire Within

Hi, friends:

Greetings from New York! I was living here prior to COVID and didn’t know just how long I’d be gone for, so I kept my room here in Brooklyn. I’m finally back to say goodbye, lease out my room and gather my things. It’s bittersweet.

As some of you know, I spent the majority of quarantine in Utah, where I was welcomed by bountiful nature, a quietness, a home. I instantly felt how much I needed that type of peace and it was hard to ignore that New York no longer felt right.

Though my initial plans of staying in Salt Lake fell through, it opened up the opportunity to dust off dreams of long-term travel and execute this new life path as soon as possible

(& whenever the world allows).

If anything, COVID and the uncertainties it came with inspired me to lean towards bold choices. It made me long for many freedoms, including travel abroad. I don’t ever want to take that for granted again or miss another window of opportunity.

It’s not always easy to shift my direction based on feelings—these intuitions I receive like little nudges from my soul. But I try to obey, because by now I know the cost of not doing so is my happiness.

Sometimes I trip up and doubt myself. Specially when people I love question my path. Or when the journey is not easy to traverse. Recently, dealing with the logistics of renting out my room in New York has been stressful.

That, on top of the intensity of the world—plus the losses and redirections I’ve experienced in the last few months—have all left me feeling defeated from time to time.

I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve drank.

But this fire inside me burns.

There is something it yearns for. Always curious to see what’s around the bend, how the story unfolds, what miracles might arise. As much as we may sometimes think we’re afraid of the unknown, we keep walking right into it.

Even if the world turns on its head again tomorrow, and my plans no longer align with the Gods—I can’t imagine anything short of continuing to strive for happiness. Continuing to create, pray, and even laugh.

On the worst days, when I’m afraid of becoming attached to my dreams of the future, that is the simple hope that keeps the fire alive.

And on better days, when I’m able to find refuge in the present, and embrace simple joys and gifts—like bathing under the long awaited sunshine—I dream.

I manifest.

I visualize my feet in moistened sand, legs enveloped by warm water coming to and from shore. Laughing with strangers who are now friends. Planning adventures on a whim. All the things I love about travel.

Just up ahead. I trust in the timing of things. The embers inside release into the wind.

Love,

Gabriela

The Year of Door Closures

At first glance, 2020 has been the year of door closures. But you know what they say, “another opens.”

Plans and ideas of what life would look like have continually changed, some becoming completely irrelevant by now.

My friend Anna and I took a trip to southern Utah a few days ago to visit some parks. Finding ourselves both jobless and fed up with life indoors, we planned the trip out in a matter of days and quickly executed. It was something that wouldn’t have otherwise gone down with such haste.

Hiking and surrounded by the dramatic landscapes of earth-red cliffs at Zion Park, I asked her, “What would your life look like right now if COVID had never happened?”

I pondered the same. I would be in New York, at the same job, grinding, and probably still in my long-distance relationship. Maybe I would’ve stayed in New York for years to come. Or maybe I would’ve eventually moved back to Utah to be with my boyfriend. It was a decision I was always mulling over in the back of my mind. So much so that my existence in New York often felt threatened by a potential move. New York or Utah? I lived between two worlds.

Then COVID happened and I was laid-off overnight. This was my chance to leap into the other path — back to Utah where my partner patiently awaited me. “It’s like the world is bringing you back to me,” he said, after I excitedly told him I was returning for an undetermined amount of time. It was romantic, and finally, that nagging question of where I should live seemed to find an answer.

“I have a feeling my life is about to really change,” I predicted to my friend Jess as I packed a suitcase. It just felt so obvious at the time. Being back in Utah would bring my partner and I closer together, and I wouldn’t want to leave again. I was being led to build a permanent life out west. This was the easy path. So I thought.

Rewind to a couple weeks earlier.

I’m sitting at McCarren Park in Greenpoint after work, basking in the much-needed sunshine after a long New York winter. I’m talking to Jess on the phone and contemplating whether I should fully commit to the city or move back to Salt Lake to basically settle down and start a family. It was all being offered to me if I just returned. But New York was my dream, the place I’d longed to be in since I was a kid. And finally, I was there, in a job that I liked, finding my footing in that crazy city. “Salt Lake would be the easy choice,” I told her. “But I’m not usually an easy choice type of person.”

Maybe there never is an easy choice. Maybe each choice comes with as many blessings as it does predicaments. Maybe you think you’re choosing the easy path but really by doing so you create the pain of denying your potential. Or perhaps, all paths — temporary and shifting, eventually lead towards a deeper knowing of yourself and of life.

When I lost my job and decided to fly back to Salt Lake, I thought the universe was kindly throwing me a bone and letting me take the easy route — giving me a break from the incessant striving towards my full potential, the embodiment of New York.

Nah. It was yet another opportunity to grow. Salt Lake was not easy. COVID has not been easy. But it forced me to look at unhealed parts of myself and to bring tenderness to them. So in that respect, life was loving to me.

My relationship did not make it, and that felt like a door closing. A path no longer available.

I arrived back in the Bay Area yesterday — back at my mom’s, a square one that was always waiting for me.

Amidst all the fall outs, I can’t help but to come up with another plan, another idea of what life could be. Each redirection feels permanent as it happens, but I should know by now they never are.

This time the plan is so vague maybe it can’t really be called a plan. A hope, a desire that burns deep within my chest. The taste of freedom. Sun-drenched skin and sea-washed hair. Words and creativity.

Ties to places have come undone. The open road emerges past closed doors.

She cannot be contained.

xxGabriela

Feeling a Shift

Hi, friends:

It’s been a little while. I’ve been avoiding writing, even though it repeatedly makes its way to my to-do list. Sometimes in the midst of emotional turmoil, it’s difficult to find the clarity to express an experience to somebody else.

I’ve been leaning on my journaling practice, a private world of messy randomness. Thoughts hopping from one thing to the next. Doodling has been much the same. It feels like uncoiling the mind and creating physical representations of the things that lurk inside. Sometimes you need that. To create things that don’t necessarily make sense — to be unpolished, at least with yourself.

But today I awoke with a new resolve. I am ready to get to work again.

It’s been a long two months. Two months of deep internal work, two months of letting myself be, of restlessness; days with no agenda except to go on my daily walk. Two months free from external pressures to do or be anything on a particular timeline. It was needed, as difficult as it was sometimes.

But now the time is ripe to start building again. Amongst my recent explorations, I tried hypnotherapy the other day. Before beginning the hypnotherapist asked me about the north node in my astrological chart, which falls under the sign of Capricorn. The north node is an indicator of your life’s path and what you are meant to work on in this lifetime. (You can get your chart here if you’re curious. There’s so much more to astrology than your sun sign!)

The sign of Capricorn concerns itself with material resources, organization, and essentially, becoming a boss. My challenge in this life is to work with those energies to attain what it is I want. For me that means finding a balance between the free-spirited side of me that just wants to flow and do things out of inspiration — with focus, pragmatism, and structure. #thestruggle

I’m happy to report that I’m feeling the drive to strive again, though. Inspired once more to start chipping away at my dreams, little by little.

I am feeling the angst for all of this to be over, as I’m sure you all are, too. I’m dreaming about travel, dreaming about friends, dreaming about the general qualities I’d like my life to have moving forward. And it feels good to be in the hopefulness of it. If anything, this time motivated me to not take freedom for granted again. There are so many things I put on the back burner that I said I would do. It’s time to pull out the bucket list once more.

Love,

Gabriela

Some Inspo

If you’re ready, it’s time for some energy shifts! I have a feeling we’ve all experienced discomfort and growth throughout this period, and that it may be time to integrate what we’ve learned, and move into a lighter, more joyous way of being.

Affirm with me:

I am ready to invite more joy, laughter, love, and friendship into my life. I am ready to bask in the sunshine, fill my heart with gratitude and experience new, wonderful things.

Thinking of you!

This Etch in Time

Hi friends,
Happy May! We made it through April, and I know for many of us it wasn’t easy. The weather has significantly improved in Salt Lake, renewing me with more vitality and optimism than before (thank God). Spring is lush and almost fully actualized. Signs of forward movement are popping up here and there. Businesses in the city have started to re-open, and work in NY may start sooner than I anticipated…
While a lot still remains uncertain, I can’t help but feel that a potential ending to this chapter is near? Which makes me hesitate at the thought of returning to life as normal. Some of the hesitation regards anxieties about public health, some of it is about the flawed normalcy of our society, and some is about losing my personal freedom over time.
I feel extremely blessed for the outpouring of time I received through this quarantine. I know that everybody’s situation was different. Some might’ve been busier than normal, some continued to work, some had families to take care of, etc. But I am grateful to have received that which I was so deeply needing — rest, and renewal, time to be and play and go inwards, inwards, and more inwards. I excavated some old wounds, brought some healing upon them, spent time doodling, writing and making art for myself.
I felt a freedom similar to that of summers as a kid. Months that seemed to stretch on forever, days fading into one another with no sense of order. It’s ironic that within all the limits of this quarantine the word that keeps resonating with me is freedom.
How I was able to find that within the portals of the mind. By letting go of expectations, demands, and through lots of self-compassion.
And as terrifying as it sometimes was to be left with myself, to work through anxiety, and trauma from the past, I will hold what came out of this tenderly.
I just wanted to share a token of gratitude for this strange chapter and what it taught me. For allowing myself to melt into one day and the next, for being messy and untethered, for crying tears of joy, for marveling at the beauty of a tree on my walks around the neighborhood.
This etch in time has bound itself to me forever, like the scars on my legs; each with a story to tell.
xxGabriela

The Pause

Hi, friends:

The world has forced many of us to pause. And in that pause I found the observer in me. I couldn’t grasp the right words to process all of this, nor the energy. I’ve felt like a quiet, doe-eyed kid, watching the TV cross legged in the living room, feeling powerless over all the happenings. Yet, I can’t deny the strength in the desire to surrender.

Yesterday morning we woke up to a 5.7 earthquake in Salt Lake City—the largest since 1992. There was no way of predicting this, no real preparation on our part, but luckily, we were fine. It was beautiful seeing how the neighbors came together outside, checking in with one another, helping turn the gas off in various homes.

By noon that day, I was officially laid off from work.

The day mirrored much of what the world has been like lately; utterly unpredictable, shocking, messy, yet so intensely beautiful, too. I see our society being more considerate of one another and nature rebuilding. Scrolling through the internet I have witnessed so many find and share the humor in all of this, which to me is something that makes the human spirit so innately beautiful. Could you imagine if our species could not laugh?

Though life has never felt so uncertain, I can also say that between the sadness and the overwhelm, I have also experienced a profound sense of aliveness and peace. I am loving everything and everyone harder and remembering what matters. Simplifying. Letting go of the noise that tells us our value is rooted in our productivity, in our success, in what we have, and the amount of money we make.

I am at peace here in the mountains; next to my love, closer to nature, closer to God. Remembering to listen more.

I’m wishing you all comfort and solace during these times. You are not alone.

Love,

Gabriela

I’m here for you if you want to talk. Also, I’m doing a 21 day abundance meditation challenge – let me know if you want to join and I’ll share the deets.

Life-Design

Hello again, friends!

I missed you last week but it was essential for me to pause and simply be. My grandmother recently passed away and I needed time to sit with the news, to reconnect with family, and finally — to rest.

With the news of my grandmother’s passing, everything was put on hold for a little, as feelings demanded to be felt and surrendered to. The grieving process is a strange one, with unpredictable waves of peace, then disbelief, mixed in with pangs of sorrow that hit you out of nowhere. I’m not sure that I can (or ever) will fully comprehend the totality of losing someone you love, or of the sureness of death. We fall for forever every time, despite knowing that death is natural and will happen to us all — and generally, to our grandparents sooner rather than later. Still, it catches you off guard.

I wasn’t planning on fully delving into grief today. I wanted more so to connect on the issue of time. But the process of losing someone reawakened something in me. This need to be the observer in my life again — to take a step back, to reassess, and rebuild.

I’m recognizing more and more how the feeling of being constantly rushed, along with my own expectations of productivity had a hold of me, even though there was no need for the acute intensity of it all. Sure, the energy of modern life is quick and easy to become submerged in — but I have more control of my experience with time and productivity than I initially thought.

Life-Design:

Something I’m deeply passionate about is what I like to call “life design.” To me, it means being boldly intentional about our goals and desires and creating our own individual blueprint for how we want our lives to look like. Each person’s values and personality are unique, and the way the different facets of our lives come together (our careers, relationships, and schedules to name a few) should reflect that as best as possible.

If we’re not consciously aware of our own desires and value systems, it’s easy to fall into societal conditioning and give into that gnawing pressure to do this or that on some sort of timeline — whether it be marrying by a certain age, or striving for a version of “success” you may not even agree upon.

The point of life design is to determine your own definition of success and of a good life. Not society’s. Not your family’s, nor your friends. It poses you to determine what is of most value to you, and to consider what you’re willing to do in order to reshape the way you structure your time and energy according to those values.

Part of my own journey has involved shedding what others expected of me — particularly the pressures I felt most strongly from my grandmother to succumb to a type of life I didn’t want to live.

In grandma’s ideal reality, I would’ve been a doctor, an accountant, or worked in any sort of office, honestly. Something conventional and easy to define. (She never understood what “life coaching” was, and I stopped trying to explain). I also would’ve been married to a handsome prince (literally, a prince) and stayed close to home, forever.

But my wild soul was stubborn and loud, and I answered its call, which took me around the globe, searching searching searching for my own version of a good life. Most of the time, that just meant freedom. Freedom to travel, to explore, and to be on a creative path. It then evolved to finding my purpose and turning my passions into a living, which is what I’m currently working on.

But the striving became too tiring. I demanded a lot of myself on a daily basis, struggled with comparison, and became worn out. Luckily, I didn’t fully burn-out, but I suspect I was headed there. This pace became my norm, my auto-pilot — until recently.

Every so often, life calls for a re-design.

These days, I am working on appreciating time. Not being so quick to spend it on accomplishing task after task, but really sulking in the moments. It looks like:

Giving myself the space to enjoy the process. Focusing on one thing at a time, and delving into one fraction of a project at once. Meditating for longer, allowing myself to do things for fun, or simply relishing in a cup of coffee or the way the sunshine feels on my skin after a long winter. It was a decision to redefine success as the enjoyment of the little moments that make up a day; a lifetime.

The days feel longer, with more profound focus, and there’s been a birthing of new ideas. Overall, it’s a better relationship with myself and with time. I can breathe, and remember that it was never a race to begin with, it was more like a road trip headed home.

xxGabriela

Thank You

We’re on the verge of this new year-this new decade and though I’ve been working through this holiday season, I wanted to take some time to spend New Year’s Eve with you. It’s brought me so much joy to write these newsletters this year, to spend time each week processing my life’s unfolding, and to share nuggets of wisdom with you.

What I have to say is: THANK YOU. Thank you for your readership, for the kind words you’ve shared with me, for seeing me and connecting with my journey. Thank you for being on a healing journey of your own, for the light that you bring to the world, and for stepping into your growth, even when it’s difficult.

There were times when you reached out about how a newsletter resonated with you in that moment, as you were experiencing something similar. These were reassurances that we are all, in fact−in it together, and connected by this wild experience we call LIFE.

I’m so grateful for another year. I’m no longer afraid of the uncertainties, or the difficulties that are part of the package, wrapped and mixed together with the bliss, and most importantly−the love. This year, I navigated some dark portals of the mind, and faced experiences which at the time, felt like defeat. But in the end, there was always the choice and the gift of healing, closely intertwined with creating and sharing with you.

I have found my purpose. To take in all experiences as medicine and to continue to create. Again, thank you for being part of it. Thank you for just being here.

Wishing you and your loved ones a fantastic year ahead.