The Year of Door Closures

At first glance, 2020 has been the year of door closures. But you know what they say, “another opens.”

Plans and ideas of what life would look like have continually changed, some becoming completely irrelevant by now.

My friend Anna and I took a trip to southern Utah a few days ago to visit some parks. Finding ourselves both jobless and fed up with life indoors, we planned the trip out in a matter of days and quickly executed. It was something that wouldn’t have otherwise gone down with such haste.

Hiking and surrounded by the dramatic landscapes of earth-red cliffs at Zion Park, I asked her, “What would your life look like right now if COVID had never happened?”

I pondered the same. I would be in New York, at the same job, grinding, and probably still in my long-distance relationship. Maybe I would’ve stayed in New York for years to come. Or maybe I would’ve eventually moved back to Utah to be with my boyfriend. It was a decision I was always mulling over in the back of my mind. So much so that my existence in New York often felt threatened by a potential move. New York or Utah? I lived between two worlds.

Then COVID happened and I was laid-off overnight. This was my chance to leap into the other path — back to Utah where my partner patiently awaited me. “It’s like the world is bringing you back to me,” he said, after I excitedly told him I was returning for an undetermined amount of time. It was romantic, and finally, that nagging question of where I should live seemed to find an answer.

“I have a feeling my life is about to really change,” I predicted to my friend Jess as I packed a suitcase. It just felt so obvious at the time. Being back in Utah would bring my partner and I closer together, and I wouldn’t want to leave again. I was being led to build a permanent life out west. This was the easy path. So I thought.

Rewind to a couple weeks earlier.

I’m sitting at McCarren Park in Greenpoint after work, basking in the much-needed sunshine after a long New York winter. I’m talking to Jess on the phone and contemplating whether I should fully commit to the city or move back to Salt Lake to basically settle down and start a family. It was all being offered to me if I just returned. But New York was my dream, the place I’d longed to be in since I was a kid. And finally, I was there, in a job that I liked, finding my footing in that crazy city. “Salt Lake would be the easy choice,” I told her. “But I’m not usually an easy choice type of person.”

Maybe there never is an easy choice. Maybe each choice comes with as many blessings as it does predicaments. Maybe you think you’re choosing the easy path but really by doing so you create the pain of denying your potential. Or perhaps, all paths — temporary and shifting, eventually lead towards a deeper knowing of yourself and of life.

When I lost my job and decided to fly back to Salt Lake, I thought the universe was kindly throwing me a bone and letting me take the easy route — giving me a break from the incessant striving towards my full potential, the embodiment of New York.

Nah. It was yet another opportunity to grow. Salt Lake was not easy. COVID has not been easy. But it forced me to look at unhealed parts of myself and to bring tenderness to them. So in that respect, life was loving to me.

My relationship did not make it, and that felt like a door closing. A path no longer available.

I arrived back in the Bay Area yesterday — back at my mom’s, a square one that was always waiting for me.

Amidst all the fall outs, I can’t help but to come up with another plan, another idea of what life could be. Each redirection feels permanent as it happens, but I should know by now they never are.

This time the plan is so vague maybe it can’t really be called a plan. A hope, a desire that burns deep within my chest. The taste of freedom. Sun-drenched skin and sea-washed hair. Words and creativity.

Ties to places have come undone. The open road emerges past closed doors.

She cannot be contained.

xxGabriela

Feeling a Shift

Hi, friends:

It’s been a little while. I’ve been avoiding writing, even though it repeatedly makes its way to my to-do list. Sometimes in the midst of emotional turmoil, it’s difficult to find the clarity to express an experience to somebody else.

I’ve been leaning on my journaling practice, a private world of messy randomness. Thoughts hopping from one thing to the next. Doodling has been much the same. It feels like uncoiling the mind and creating physical representations of the things that lurk inside. Sometimes you need that. To create things that don’t necessarily make sense — to be unpolished, at least with yourself.

But today I awoke with a new resolve. I am ready to get to work again.

It’s been a long two months. Two months of deep internal work, two months of letting myself be, of restlessness; days with no agenda except to go on my daily walk. Two months free from external pressures to do or be anything on a particular timeline. It was needed, as difficult as it was sometimes.

But now the time is ripe to start building again. Amongst my recent explorations, I tried hypnotherapy the other day. Before beginning the hypnotherapist asked me about the north node in my astrological chart, which falls under the sign of Capricorn. The north node is an indicator of your life’s path and what you are meant to work on in this lifetime. (You can get your chart here if you’re curious. There’s so much more to astrology than your sun sign!)

The sign of Capricorn concerns itself with material resources, organization, and essentially, becoming a boss. My challenge in this life is to work with those energies to attain what it is I want. For me that means finding a balance between the free-spirited side of me that just wants to flow and do things out of inspiration — with focus, pragmatism, and structure. #thestruggle

I’m happy to report that I’m feeling the drive to strive again, though. Inspired once more to start chipping away at my dreams, little by little.

I am feeling the angst for all of this to be over, as I’m sure you all are, too. I’m dreaming about travel, dreaming about friends, dreaming about the general qualities I’d like my life to have moving forward. And it feels good to be in the hopefulness of it. If anything, this time motivated me to not take freedom for granted again. There are so many things I put on the back burner that I said I would do. It’s time to pull out the bucket list once more.

Love,

Gabriela

Some Inspo

If you’re ready, it’s time for some energy shifts! I have a feeling we’ve all experienced discomfort and growth throughout this period, and that it may be time to integrate what we’ve learned, and move into a lighter, more joyous way of being.

Affirm with me:

I am ready to invite more joy, laughter, love, and friendship into my life. I am ready to bask in the sunshine, fill my heart with gratitude and experience new, wonderful things.

Thinking of you!

The Pause

Hi, friends:

The world has forced many of us to pause. And in that pause I found the observer in me. I couldn’t grasp the right words to process all of this, nor the energy. I’ve felt like a quiet, doe-eyed kid, watching the TV cross legged in the living room, feeling powerless over all the happenings. Yet, I can’t deny the strength in the desire to surrender.

Yesterday morning we woke up to a 5.7 earthquake in Salt Lake City—the largest since 1992. There was no way of predicting this, no real preparation on our part, but luckily, we were fine. It was beautiful seeing how the neighbors came together outside, checking in with one another, helping turn the gas off in various homes.

By noon that day, I was officially laid off from work.

The day mirrored much of what the world has been like lately; utterly unpredictable, shocking, messy, yet so intensely beautiful, too. I see our society being more considerate of one another and nature rebuilding. Scrolling through the internet I have witnessed so many find and share the humor in all of this, which to me is something that makes the human spirit so innately beautiful. Could you imagine if our species could not laugh?

Though life has never felt so uncertain, I can also say that between the sadness and the overwhelm, I have also experienced a profound sense of aliveness and peace. I am loving everything and everyone harder and remembering what matters. Simplifying. Letting go of the noise that tells us our value is rooted in our productivity, in our success, in what we have, and the amount of money we make.

I am at peace here in the mountains; next to my love, closer to nature, closer to God. Remembering to listen more.

I’m wishing you all comfort and solace during these times. You are not alone.

Love,

Gabriela

I’m here for you if you want to talk. Also, I’m doing a 21 day abundance meditation challenge – let me know if you want to join and I’ll share the deets.

Balancing Your Ambition for the Future with Appreciation for Your Current Self

Happy November!

I like to celebrate the beginning of months as a fresh start, and as the opportunity to experience some amazing things to come. To me, months are like tiny years. So much can happen in 30–31 days, that it’s good to take a deep breath and think about some of our intentions for this time period. Do you have any goals? What do you hope goes really well in the next month? Also, what was your biggest lesson or accomplishment from October?

As a very goal-oriented individual, I am currently finding my balance between my ambition and drive for the future, and a practice of presence, self-compassion, and encouragement towards the present-day version of myself. I’ve been journaling on recent accomplishments and appreciating the newer, healthy patterns I’ve developed along the way.

Because of this, I was inspired to create a guided meditation which helps you visualize your future-self, five years from now. Afterwards, I guide you through acknowledging, loving, and encouraging yourself as you are today.

I’ve been meditating at the start of my day for some time now, and it’s a game-changer. Dedicating a little time in the morning to connect with myself and higher source is invaluable, and now it’s hard to imagine it not being part of my routine. When my mind is awfully loud, it can be helpful to do guided/visualization meditations, like the one I created. It’s also nice to switch up what types of meditations you do and see what works for you.

If you feel called to, check it out below (it’s on my Youtube and podcast).

And a little disclaimer: the sound quality is poor in a couple parts, which was super annoying, but I decided to put it up anyways, because if I let the perfectionist side of me run the show, I’d probably never share anything 😉

Anyways, have an AMAZING weekend. You deserve it all.

Listen to the meditation on Youtube
Listen on anchor or anywhere podcasts are found

Curiosity Feels

I struggled to come up with a topic for today’s newsletter, primarily because I’ve been going through some decision making and feeling unclear.

I like to share clarity and positivity when I write these emails, but that’s just one part of me, which is less prevalent on some days.

If I’m honest, there are just as many parts of me that are unsure, scared, saddened, angry, apathetic — you name it. And it is generally more difficult to accept and hold space for those emotions which we may deem as “negative.”

Generally, we are all more comfortable in the light, and may struggle to truly experience the discomforts of certain feelings — which is why it’s a lifelong challenge to create room for their expression as they emerge.

I’ve found that in some ways, the more I work on myself and the more aware I become of how powerful the mind is in shifting my experience, the more responsibility I bare on my shoulders to think and be positive.

While I definitely advocate for all the goodness that comes along with a positive mindset, it’s just as important to witness and be honest with our current experience, whatever that may be.

Rather than trying to bypass it and immediately reach for a positive thought and feeling, we can begin to get curious about the emotions that come up.

Some questions to ponder are:

What am I feeling right now and how is it showing up in my body?
What does it look like?
What thoughts, if any, lead me to that emotion?
If this feeling were to talk, what would it share? (Allow yourself to get playful with this. You can give different parts of you names, voices, and whatever modes of expression you want to explore).

Oftentimes it’s more than one feeling or part of you that comes up , so be mindful of that, and feel free to explore the unique characteristics of each.

All feelings are equally valuable and can teach us something important. For example, anger can often indicate where there’s room to shift and honor our boundaries. Uncertainty shows us that there’s a realm of possibilities and opportunities available to us.

And sometimes, we just don’t know what they are trying to teach or how to even move forward, and that’s something to witness, too.

The more curious we get, the more the judgement fades away, creating space for the feelings to move through freely so they can begin to shift.

I hope this can be helpful to some of you. It certainly was the reminder I needed myself.

Like always, feel free to reach out! And remember to stay curious.

Tipping the Scale

I recently recorded a podcast about creativity, intuition, and co-creating with higher source.

It was inspired by a desire to express my creativity in different forms. While I have a little routine down of writing and making videos, my intuition led me to see what other ways I could share my message, and I was called to try podcasting again, which felt very fluid and free.

It’s good to step out of our comfort zones as creatives, to play, and to not be so rigid with our work and ourselves. As I have shared, I’m working on dropping the strict demands I have on myself to create a certain type of content on schedule (when it isn’t feeling good or aligned), and to let my work feel energizing and fun!

I would like to explore what it means to be a “hard worker” in a much different way. To view my projects as “play” and as a time to connect with higher source, using my passions as a form of mediation. Perhaps by tipping the scale in this playful direction, I will actually find balance between freedom and tangible results.

It’s a process that requires intuition, self-compassion, enthusiasm, and drive.

If you yourself are a creative, or are just curious about exploring your own intuition when it comes to creating or making decisions, then check out the podcast here.

On Being Yourself

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

— E.E.Cummings

Lately I’ve been thinking about authenticity, and becoming aware of the many ways in which I personally struggle with letting myself be myself. What do we really mean when we talk about being ourselves, anyways?

I’ve learned it’s a myriad of things, among those: expressing our personalities, living out our values and manifesting our creativity. But also, being true to who we are on a moment-to-moment basis by listening to our intuition, our bodies, and emotions. We’re constantly evolving, therefore being ourselves can mean something different today than it was yesterday, or even an hour ago.

It’s such an irony, that like E.E. Cummings said — being ourselves is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. It seems so simple, yet there are many ways we’re constantly trying to fit into a box, and play by rules we never consciously chose.

Some of these rules may aim to define what happiness and success means to us, how to achieve it, or how we should go about spending our time. Though we’re not really taught to, we’re allowed to reject what seems to be the “norm” and make our own rules about anything, honoring who we are and what we want. One of my rules is: I will not work 40 hours per week unless it’s towards my own business. It’s a standard that’s true to my love for personal time and creativity.

Still, I struggle sometimes with paving my own path towards success in different arenas, using my values, personality, and intuition to dictate how I accomplish certain goals.

I recently enrolled in a Youtube course to grow my channel and wanted to spend a majority of the day going through the lessons and coming up with an idea for a video. The course teaches that video topics should be based on what our ideal audience is searching for, and suggests that we post videos consistently, ideally on the same day each week.

It’s counter-intuitive for me because my work is based on personal experiences (not searchability), and I’m accustomed to creating spur of the moment, without sticking to a schedule. Already I felt my creativity stifled by these rules, though I pushed through, trying to stay open to the suggestions of an expert.

Later on, I still had no idea what my next video would be on, and was frustrated with myself at not being able to play by these rules. Not only that, but I was incredibly bored. A part of me just wanted to play.

Wait up, I thought. What’s the point of the projects I work on? (My youtube videos, this newsletter, courses etc). To have fun! Because they bring joy to my life and enrich my experience. The point is not: to force myself to do something I don’t want to do, or to feel bored and stressed.

I am not going to make myself create on a schedule when it doesn’t feel good or isn’t fun, I told myself. And just like that, I had made my own rule to play by.

I’ve consumed my fair share of courses, books, webinars, and even had a business coach on the path to up-leveling my life and creating a business. I’m constantly downloading information on what I should do and how I should be — these prescribed formulas for success. And yesterday I had this moment of being fed up by it. Not necessarily by the well-meaning advice (which has oftentimes helped), but by the bypassing of my own intuition and desires on how I want to go about creating success.

The how you walk your path, is an opportunity to be unapologetically yourself. Listening to that voice within that sometimes whispers and sometimes screams. It’s trusting in yourself above all, and believing that your own nature knows the way.

You can be wildly yourself and still find what you were looking for. In fact, I think that’s the answer after all.

Gratitude, Patience and Trust

I’ve been riding a wave since my last newsletter—one of flow, acceptance, and trust. It’s been blissful really, not feeling resistance to where I currently am in life, and enjoying the journey as it unfolds.

When I last wrote, I talked about tapping into the feeling of “freedom,” which is my #1 motivator in life and essential to my well-being and happiness. There were times when I viewed my circumstances as a barrier to freedom, but I’ve been able to change my perspective by tuning into the abundance of freedom I already have. A change of perspective is everything, and in this case, I’ve noticed how much more chill I am about reaching my goals.

It’s not that my ambition has decreased in any way. Simply put, I’m taking the time to smell the roses on the way to where I’d like to eventually be. I’m no longer in a state of rush or frustration because I can tap into whatever it is I want to feel now. There’s less stress and more fun. Less worry about the future and more presence to the beauty of this moment. There’s confidence that this is where I’m supposed to be now, and that it is glorious in its own way.

I call this being in flow. Finally swimming with the stream and not against it.

To boil it down, I’ve found the mindset shift into flow consists of three pillars: gratitude, patience, and trust.

Gratitude for all the blessings and opportunities you currently have.
Patience towards the journey.
And trust that all is unfolding as it should and that your success is inevitable.

I hope that you can enjoy where you are today and have more fun as you make your way towards your desired future.

Align to That Which You Seek

Today I’d like to invite you to challenge the way you were taught to seek happiness, or whatever feeling it is you desire to find.

We grew up believing that we needed things, experiences, accomplishments, and even people to make us feel happy, validated, and complete. We chased titles/careers, material wealth, and relationships only to find another ladder to climb at the end of each goal completed. Have you noticed that the seeking never really ends? You can get what you really wanted and shortly after, feel like there’s something else to reach for in order to be fully satisfied.

Becoming a flight attendant was a goal I really wanted to accomplish not too long ago. I begged the universe to help me land this opportunity and worked my butt off preparing for the interviews. I thought this job would be the perfect addition to my life; that I would no longer feel “lost,” or “stuck” and be set free with the opportunity to travel.

Yet, once I got it, it was entirely too easy to focus on the problems and difficulties within the industry. That “stuck” feeling continued to haunt me despite having obtained what I thought was the answer. I felt confined by my schedule and all the time away from home, and when I was in a place I really enjoyed, it was tainted with the sadness of having to leave shortly after.

These were some of the reasons not to be happy yet. And that’s when I realized I was in a perpetual state of suffering: always wanting more or something different in order to feel free.

Freedom is one of my most important values, the motivation behind so many life decisions, and what I always seem to be chasing.

But I decided that if I were to lead a fulfilled life, I would have to put an end to the never-ending chase and tap into all the ways that I’m already free. A.k.a.“align with the vibration of freedom.” When I talk about aligning to a vibration, what I mean is getting into the state of your desired feeling, in order to attract that which we want in life (Law of Attraction).

I pulled out my journal and started a list of different ways I’m free, discovering so much I’d taken for granted. I’m free to consume the books/films/music I choose; I’m free to dress how I want, I’m free to journal and mediate, I’m free to laugh and play. On a larger scale, I have total creative freedom (like writing this newsletter and making videos) which is so so valuable to me. Plus my job does allow me to travel and see the people I love around the world, which is the closest thing to teleporting I can get right now.

I was so taken aback by the incredible amount of ways I’m already free. I sat with that appreciation and let it light me up. It felt like I could finally ease into the adventure of this very moment. I could finally perceive how everything was flowing naturally and working out for me.

Since then, my attitude towards work has totally changed and in turn, I’m having more fun on a daily basis. I am finally sitting back, enjoying the journey, and appreciating the gifts picked up along the way.

It’s human to have this insatiable thirst for more; to believe that something else has the key to our happiness and completion. But as we grow, we learn to find that which we seek is already in our hands. We have the power of emotion and of perception, which once cultivated and tweaked can shape how we experience our reality.

And in my reality, I am finally free. How about yours?

What is Self-Care?

I am so happy to be writing from home! These past couple weeks have been insane with “summer flying.” I’d been warned about how busy the airline industry could get during the summer but I was not mentally prepared for all the reroutes and fast pace of things.

It’s so good to finally have moments to sit back and breathe. To enjoy the comforts of home (particularly the couch) and to check in with myself. I am intently focused on self-care during these few days of rest.

Yesterday my partner and I melted into the couch and today I have a little spa day planned. Not only that, but I also booked a psychic reading with someone I found through a podcast.

This got me thinking about self-care and what that really means. Self-care usually connotes images of women in face masks or getting massages, but there are so many other fun and creative ways that we can check in and take care of ourselves—physically, mentally, spiritually.

For me, today it means getting a psychic reading because it’s fun and it gives me spiritual direction.

Self-care could also mean taking the time out of the day to face time with good friends, getting lost in laughter and conversation, or driving to a random town for the hell of it.

Sometimes it’s not exciting per se, but it could be exactly what you need, like eating ice cream in the bath tub, or spending an entire day watching TV, letting your body fully relax and my mind drift for a while.

Sometimes it is more cliche for me— like getting my eyebrows and nails done so I can feel amazing on the inside and outside. (Personally, I’ve found a strong correlation between how I look and how I feel).

My point is: you get to decide what self care looks like for you and it’s important to take note of when you’re in dire need of it. Better yet, to recognize when you could use some lovin’ before you’re in serious need of it, and to incorporate it into some sort of routine. I know I need some attention when my body starts aching, my patience thins, and my mind falls down a negative spiral. It’s then that I know I have to make the time for myself and replenish.

What are your self-care methods? I would love to know! Respond back to this email or connect on instagram @gabrielammelgar

Love,

Gabriela

PS-

Last week I made a Youtube video titled “Surrender to a Bigger Plan.” It was inspired by reading “The Universe Has Your Back” & talks about how “surrendering” has created more peace and happiness in my life.

You can check it out here

I’m getting in the groove of creating weekly videos. If you’d like to subscribe, head to my youtube channel.